>Trauma, Family Secrets and Healing…

>Here is a letter which describes just how direct the relationship is between trauma and mental disorders. “M” remains medicated, but as you can see, she is obviously healing on many levels, in your own time and in her own way.
Good Luck M!

I stumbled upon one of your videos from your series yesterday and was immediately interested. I watched them all. I am compelled to share (briefly) my own experience.

I could so identify with so much of what you said. I experienced psychosis when I was in my early thirties about 20 years ago, during which I remembered childhood trauma. The most traumatic event was being raped by my father when 13 years old. My psychosis involved thinking I was the Messiah and believing others (evil people) knew this and wanted to prevent me from being known. But it was always a “future” thing. I KNEW that I certainly was no more Messiah “acting” than anyone else. I also KNEW that if I talked about it, people would think I was crazy, so my ego apparently wasn’t totally disintegrated. I did not want people to think I was crazy. I eventually however ended up driving myself to the Psychiatric Hospital because I was very afraid and knew that I would be safe there behind locked doors. I had been there previously for “atypcial depression.” Of course there is a whole lot more to it, but for the sake of brevity…. One thing I was told by “God” during this time was to change my major to Psychology (I was an undergrad El. Ed major at the time). I did this and eventually got my Masters.

Another interesting twist was that at the age of 13 when this happened I was more interested in spirituality than my family members and was quite heavy into Christianity, reading the bible each night. At some point after the rape, I have no idea how time had passed, I just had no idea what to do. I knew that I could not live in this family anymore, I believe that on some level everyone knew what had happened and hated me even though I told no one. I prayed to God and I had an experience of being answered. “He” said I needed to forget. In order to forget I had to break up with my boyfriend and other things. I didn’t realize this at the time of course, but I realize now that “He” was telling me to forget all associations with the time period. The hardest thing of all was when He told me I had to forget Him. But that He would be back sometime. I felt totally abandoned by everyone. But I did forget, and I became someone new. A totally different person (Micky) rather than Michelle. I don’t know how much time passed before I had no recollection of the rape or of my former self but it wasn’t long. He also showed my some things that “would be” in the future.

So, I could very much identify with what you said about the different levels of consciousness and had already discovered this to be true.. When I became psychotic and remembered the abuse, my consciousness was right where it was at 13. And I had a lot of working through of this to discover the symbolism in what I experienced. Of course I understood this after the fact, not during. Many insights are gained AFTER the going through…….

Unfortunately, just as you state in the videos, I believed everything the doctors told me, succumbed to family pressure, denied my own experiences, and took medication. Of course, my family of origin has always had a huge investment in thinking I was crazy. Much easier to discard one family member as crazy then to disrupt the balance. It has been a rough twenty years. I did have the good fortune of having one good therapist who believed there was something to my experience, to be paid attention to rather than squelched. But, I didn’t have the resources to see her regularly.

It wasn’t until about 6 years ago that I said,” Wait, Stop….I KNOW what I experienced” and began the unfolding. I began reading books about spirituality, which became my “friend” in all this. I began to see myself in their experiences. I moved from traditional Christianity, up what you call the “Spiral.” I’m still very alone in all of this. My interest in Spirituality has also beeen percieved as weird, which simply verifies my craziness (within the family). I have so prolonged the process with meds, trying to live a “normal” life, working, doing all those things I thought I was supposed to do and did out of various fears. I followed my Heart and resigned from my last job about two years ago. I could go on, but there is no need…

This is such a brief, condensed version of the past 20 years, I’m afraid it doesn’t really convey all that I would like it to. But, my main point is that in each video I found so much truth when compared to my own “story.” When I read or watch something that lines up so with my own perspective I feel exhilerated in that feeling of not being alone. It’s like, “YES,THAT’S IT!” and I want to share it, but there is no one to share it with, no one who would be interested in hearing it. Thus, I am writing you an email, to express to YOU the excitement I felt which watching. Thank you.