>More Connections between Meditation, Kundalini and Bipolar Disorder

>Hi Sean,
I am writing you because I saw your videos on bipolar or waking up and I was very much inspired. I cried, I got upset, and I got very hopeful. I have been seeking since 2003 when a person gave me a meditation tool called Holosync it is a tool that greatly increases one’s meditation practice. I started doing the Holosync everyday and since than my spirituality has grown and matured. Through Bill Harris creator of Holosync I heard about Zen Master Genpo Roshi who created the Big Mind process. When I was 29 I attended one of Bill’s and Genpo’s events and experienced what it was like to be Big Mind, the going on of it all the good, the bad and the ugly.

That experience showed me that spirituality was not about being good or pure, but being open to the present moment. One can not even experience it, one has to be it or be Big Mind or the Buddha or the spirit. So I have had the experience without duality. After I had this experience I realized it was the same experience I had when I was 17 years old and that experience was labeled a bipolar episode by a doctor at a hospital. I was liberated because I felt like I was never crazy I just had a oneness experience. I talked to Genpo and he referred me to Three Treasures Zen Community where I met his dharma sister Jikyo Roshi. I started getting serious into spirituality I went to one day of a seven day retreat and I had a kundalini awakening and I had to revisit trauma of abuse that happened to me when I was 5 years old.

I went to two more full seven day retreats and got into zen koans and started getting even more serious into spirituality. I was feeling great life was taking on new meaning. I started getting into Sahaja Yoga, (kundalini yoga) to understand the chakras and channels and nadis. I went another full seven day retreat at the zen center in September of 2009. Jikyo Roshi was not at the retreat and her student was leading the retreat so I believe her presence was not strong enough to ground me. I left the retreat feeling great as usual but I felt very ungrounded. I had an amazing and terrifying experience that surpasses all understanding and reason. When I came home everything was beautiful, vivid and bright. The trees the sounds of the birds, I felt an inner internal flow moving me forward an inner knowing. I was driven to walk at the park, everyday things were beautiful but time seemed to speed up things a little weird. Than time seemed to literally stop the chi or energy seemed so powerful.

I started running to get rid of the energy I literally took off like a rocket, running faster than I have ever run I collapsed on the ground I couldn’t breath because my body was not conditioned to run that fast. I started to see things access different dimensions or it seemed, my hands had trails and light. I thought I died, I must have blacked out or passed out. I woke up on the grass by my apartment naked and hand cuffed by the police. I ended up in the E.R. they gave me Haldol to calm me down, (awful stuff). I ended up in the hospital for 11 days with the diagnoses of bipolar. I was crying in the E.R. because I thought I was passed this diagnose but I couldn’t explain the experience.

Now I am confused I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t know what map to follow. I have spent the last 3 years seeking and when I finally found something I feel lost and caught in a system. I don’t know if I just had a tremendous spiritual awakening or if I am just out of my mind. The highest truth I seemed to get was that I have no control I am literally the vehicle for life and my karma is plugged into the dance steps of life. The experience seemed to be so clear and vivid at the time that I had no control.

It was liberating even when I got wheeled into the psych hospital I felt like I ran the race of my life. Or the Buddha within or the Big self ran the me into a spiritual awakening or a higher understanding.

I am taking it slow right now, it has been 6 months since I have been out of the hospital. I have been taking my meds and see my psychiatrist because apparently it is a chemical imbalance like diabetes. I don’t believe in my diagnoses. I read David Lukoffs’ material about mental illness and spirituality and how he got spiritual and religious issues put in the DSM4. I was not aware until now that other people have dealt with an experience like mine and labeled it a spiritual emergency instead of bi polar disorder.

I read this quote by Stan Grof and it seems to fit me. “It is possible to undergo a profound crisis involving non-ordinary experiences and to perceive it as pathological or psychiatric when in fact it may be more accurately and beneficially defined as a spiritual emergency.” — Stanislav Grof.

I just got off my meds and I feel alive and full of joy again I have decided to take the risk you have explained. After all my study of kundalini I believe meds block the flow of energy in the chakras and sushumna channel in the subtle body. The meds have made a lot of my hair fall out and I believe they are toxic.




>From Holy Thursday to Hellish Sunday, I went on an incredible spiritual, physical, and mental journey. In the story to follow, I will try to take you with me as I recall the events as I remembered them.

Some memories are etched in gray matter forever, while others were kept alive with the copious amounts of notes taken in my altered state. I’m able to hear these stories now and sometimes laugh at my antics. I have found healing in laughter.

This story is not only about a psychotic break, but also more importantly, about a spiritual awakening, a re-birthing. It’s about what happens when you need to change course and the universe takes over and does it for you.

Thursday, April 1992 1:00am

Talked to my friend Toni, in Oklahoma for a long time. I had told her of my experience in the bathroom at the hospital. I had stood in front of the mirror to see if I had arms. They were feeling like all the life was draining out of them. She gave me instructions on what to do to rid myself of the bad energies that I was picking up at the hospital.

Here is a note I have from that evening:

Ring of smoke
Bathe in vinegar

Cage of Consciousness
Neon Rings
Fluff aura
Talk to Body

Later that night I was up and running through the house like a crazy lady, I was a crazy lady! I can remember standing outside my bathroom door, running in place as fast as I could. I could not force myself to enter the bathroom. It was as if there was an invisible wall keeping me out. The wall was “fear.” I was feverishly making the sign of the cross, one way and then the other, with sage in my hand. I wanted to be able to go into the bathroom but I was terrified of some unseen force.

I ran into the living room and noticed that the shades were drawn. I remember thinking, “if anyone saw me now they would think I was crazy.” I ran into the bedroom where I was keeping notes of the time. I returned to the bathroom and went through the same process of running in place, making the sign of the cross, one way and then the other, and fluffing my aura with sage.

This time I was able to go into the bathroom but I was terrified of looking into the mirror. I ran quickly and looked in the mirror. What I saw was a wild-eyed face that I did not recognize. I wanted to scream. This had to be me, but I didn’t recognize “me.” I fled in fear from the stranger in the mirror. I ran into the bedroom, through the hallway, and back to the bathroom. I needed to look deep into those eyes that should be mine.

Running, as always, I’m able to enter the bathroom without stopping at the invisible wall. As I stand in front of the mirror, I stare at the wide-eyed stranger and search for recognition. I find none. I flee the room and return to my bedroom. I begin to twirl, arms extended and eyes closed. I’m a whirling dervish going faster and faster, trying to rid myself of the demons within me.

Then I’m in darkness, floating free and unencumbered among the stars. I’m in total peace. I want to remain this way forever. I am given a choice to stay or return to earth. It’s not a voice I hear telling me this but “a knowing.” I feel that I must return, for reasons I did not know. The next memory I have is finding myself on my knees, prostrate on my bed. Today I can still feel the peace and serenity that I felt as I floated among the stars. It was out of this world and so was I. My notes show that this episode took place between 3:26 A.M. and 4:26 A.M.

Here are my notes that were written simultaneously with the events:

3:26 NOW
Awoke at 2:59 my watch
Shit at 3:00
3:26 writing this
Cleansing myself with sage in hand
Need bath with vinegar
+ 3:30
4:16 sitting down with sage in hand
4:26 headed for the bath, one step at a time

Called Toni at some point to tell her “I’M AWAKE.”

Years later I was reading the book, “Living Buddha, Living Christ” by Thich Nhat Hanh. On page 22, I read, “the word ‘Buddha’ comes from the root buddh, which means to “wake up.” A Buddha is someone who is awake.” I found that quite interesting as I felt that I had experienced an “awakening.” I awoke from the “darkness” that had been with me all my life, to the “light” of a new life, and the beginning of being the person I was meant to be.

Thank you Rita for this very intimate description!