>Here´s a story from Ena, a girl who had an experience very similar to my own. Luckily, as I did, she turned to the work of Dr.Stan Grof to understand her experience as a Spiritual Emergency.
I just recently found your videos on youtube and recently joined newlightbeings and bipolarorwakingup. Thank you very much for the work you have done. It is very encouraging to see more out there on this than when i last looked.
My Story: In 2001 i had my big ‘episode’. But before that, for the previous 2 years, i had had some other experiences. Things around me would seem to start emanating a light from within and everything would just seem brighter and very beautiful and i would feel this overwhelming love. It would last for a few hours,maybe half a day.
Sometimes crazy syncronicities would occur or something like the time when a man walked up to me on the street and said ‘I know what’s happening to you, i can see it, it’s just beginning.’ I felt like i was full of light and supremely alive at those times. I told very few people about it. But one friend i respected and who was very sane and spiritual said ‘Oh, god is calling you.’ Anyway, then i moved and decided to start anew, based on a new way i wanted to live my life that was devoted to creativity.
One night i was in my apartment speaking in Spanish with my Brazilian friend (who didn’t speak English and my Spanish was good but not great) and realized i was no longer thinking in English but speaking and thinking in Spanish. I also felt like i could really ‘see’ my friend for the first time. I thought i had made a great linguistic leap, but then i started having a hard time breathing and experienced that same sort of light i had in my experiences before. I also felt a little panicky and i didn’t want my Brazilian friend to know what was happening.
Ironically, i went outside to smoke a cigarette. He came with me and said ‘There’s a lot of light, no?’ Well, this is hard to keep short, but i went inside. I was alone in my room and felt scared and huddled under my covers. Then i heard a voice and saw/felt the presence of loving beings all around me. The voice was not distinctly masculine or feminine but i knew it to be god and it had a very good sense of humor. It reassured me while at the same time it freaked me out. I thought ‘Well,this is how people become Jesus freaks…sign me up, then, because this is the truest thing that has ever happened to me.’
I was, and am, not religious, by the way – though i do have a thing for Jesus. I thought ‘No matter what, i know and will remember that this is true.’ The main thing the voice said to me was ‘Are you ready? Your work is about to begin. It’s all about love.’ I asked for further clarification, but basically got none. I thought i was going crazy, but still believed it was ‘true’ and was happy though a bit worried.
The next day i spoke to my spiritual friend who said ‘I saw what was happening to you then, but didn’t know how to tell you – isn’t it great?’ I felt like i was speaking a new language. I fell madly and truly in love for the first time with someone about a week later. I wasn’t really ‘manic’ right after i heard the voice, but after i fell in love i became much more so. I also got very physically sick.
I also experienced a kind of shared psychotic break. I was the one who continued to hear the voice at times, mainly with messages of love and support, but we both had thoughts that he was Jesus and i was Mary Magdalene and we had some role to play to help save the world. Also, we both believed life was a play or movie, that we were acting on a stage. We had VERY ‘crazy’ syncronicities when we were together, but i was the only one who had some new psychic ability.
We heard messages in music. Everything was alive and celebrating us! We also seemed to just magically attract people and to develop very quick intimate bonds with them. We would tell people we loved them a lot – and we did! That was one of the most significant things – i truly loved everyone, and myself. I was without shame for the first time in my life and had never felt so real or naturally ‘myself’.
I still held a job. A few people thought i had gone a bit wacky, but my behavior was not extreme. My roommate was worried because i lost a lot of weight and was quite sick, but still full of energy, not sleeping or eating much – but i don’t know how much of that is because she was scared of spiritual things and was very upset that i quickly moved out and moved in with my boyfriend.
I didn’t tell anyone i thought i could be Mary Magdalene or Jesus. I could basically control it, but it scared me in that i felt i was too open, that people could ‘see’ me too much. I also was scared about my ego – i didn’t want to start thinking i was ‘special’. Well, it basically wound down and ended. Life seemed to get in the way and i felt i had lost ‘it’. I tried desperately to ‘get it back’ – though i knew it was within myself.
I went to spiritual groups, read books – Grof was the most helpful. So, since then, i have assumed i had a ‘spiritual emergence’ or a kundalini awakening – but was it a bi-polar episode? The experience has not recurred. I still don’t know and maybe it doesn’t matter what the label is – though, now, from what i have read it seems it could definitely be labeled a manic episode. I do still get periodically depressed and i feel that is mainly because i am not doing ‘the work’ i am supposed to be doing. Though i also feel completely changed and woken up, down to a cellular level.
Yet when it all happened to me i thought it would be an easy ride from here on out, but it has been quite tough. I don’t feel that i am really any ‘smarter’ for all that, though definitely more aware – with a more open heart and a primary focus on love and furthering my spirit. I would not trade the experience for anything.