>I have a close contact in Europe that wishes to remain anonymous. However, his story of healing is, perhaps the most remarkable I have ever read, as his original pathology was so deep. His first breaks with reality were miles away from the enlightened ‘spiritual emergency’ of my own, and his childhood, not surprisingly, was a nightmare.
Is he completely ‘healed’ without fear of future relapse? Maybe, maybe not. But I think that question in itself is becoming redundant in my way of seeing things. For my guy in Europe, ‘healing’ is a life-long process of big leaps forward, plus a few steps back, with a lot of pain along the way. But in the end, its all worth it, isn´t it?
One last thing…along with recovering from schizophrenia, he is the only contact I have that, I can safely say, knows more than I do regarding the spiritual/psychological aspects of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. His contributions to my own learning have been HUGE!
Anyhoo, here´s the story from my contact in Europe.
Well, my story is a bit complicated.
Let’s start from the beginning.
I was born in January with an extreme infection what doctors see as a danger for developing psychosis when you become an adult. In my family there is a huge genetic vulnerability for mental illness, we have people with borderline, schizophrenia, attention deficit disorder, addiction and so on in one family. Several generations ago, the people who carry my last name were mayors and were in power positions within society, but the last generation seemed to have become working class and not very highly educated. I guess I was one of the first young people within my family who graduated from high school with an A degree in modern languages and economics.
However, I also had lots of trauma. My father’s behavior was difficult to deal with, he ended up in jail, beat up my mom, was on alcohol and on drugs most of the time, so we lived in houses for abused women about 5 times. I’ve always been a very sensitive kid at a young age. My mother did her very best for me but didn’t know how to express her love for me so it was a quite cold environment that I grew up in.
At age 13 I started rebelling against almost anything you can imagine, taking all the drugs you can think of, from marihuana to cocaine, amphetamines, XTC, magic mushrooms, alcohol, tranquilizers and so on. My father was a rock ’n roll type of guy and there were almost no rules when I was at his place. The only thing he really gave me during childhood was that I learned to appreciate music and bought my first guitar at age 14.
So after all, I discovered that substances could help me to be less sensitive, so I was on drugs most of the times from age 13 until my first psychotic break at age 18, when I was hospitalized for the first time. My first psychotic episode was an extreme crisis of identity. I felt that my false self was not really me: the heavy rock ’n roll drug abuser wasn’t the person I really wanted to be, so my first psychotic break forced me inside and was accompanied with depression, depersonalisation, hearing aggressive voices, fear and paranoia.
I felt the need to be in a safe environment and knew that I was full of trauma. My first diagnosis was ‘psychotic behaviour with tendency to drug abuse (toxicomania)’. Later on I went through periods of mania and depression so my diagnosis changed to ‘bipolar 1’ and also ‘schizoaffective disorder’. I’ve always felt the need for introspection and reading books on psychology, philosophy and spirituality as an attempt of healing myself through gaining knowledge. Actually, the interest for spirituality has been there since my early childhood. At age ten I read books on hypnosis, tarot and near-death experiences, not really what you would expect a ten year old kid to read.
So when I was in my early twenties, in the midst of an extreme depression, I started to read Jung and Ken Wilber, meditating on a daily basis for about 2 years until my kundalini awoke in me. Because I never found guidance from an extreme teacher and had lots of paranormal experiences like telekinesis, synchronicities, the ability to read the energy field of others, short periods of clairvoyance where I could feel what others felt and read what they where thinking, precognition, dreams that predicted future events and so on.
The psychiatric establishment found it very unhealthy for someone to read Jung, so when the extreme kundalini was flowing through my body like a 1000 volts of electricity and the heat become so intense, I went into another psychosis because the energy flow out of my crown chakra. Before this I had several diseases: liver (solar plexus), glands fever and chronic fatigue syndrome (throat chakra), psychotic break and paranormal experiences (third eye) and in the end I guess I flew out of my body (crown).
Because the psychiatric establishment only wanted to medicate me without knowing anything about kundalini, I did a suicide attempt (hara kiri). I woke up in intensive care on morphine, but that didn’t even stop the kundalini. They tried several anti-psychotics and most of the drugs made it worse until they tested the drug amilsulpride (Solian in my country) which stopped the process for a couple of days. I’d been living before with an active kundalini for six months and became so sick physically that I had seen death in the eyes. Several times I thought I was already dead and in the afterlife.
After 3 months in a psychiatric ward I ran away against the advice of the psychiatrist and went to study many books on the subject and became a student of theosophy. After being on either illegal or legal drugs from age 13 until 5 months ago, I am, for the first time in my life off the meds and only take a very low dose when I think it’s necessary and I guess I’ve never felt so good as I’m feeling now.
My struggle was a result of extreme trauma which led to the first pathological psychotic breaks with fear and paranoia but through study and working hard on my development I healed myself. For the psychiatric establishment I’m still completely out of my mind and they put me on an income from the government what allows me to do the things I’m made for: creative work through music, painting and writing, social work, the study of psychology and lots of voluntary jobs. They’ve always forced me to normal jobs but I guess I feel so healthy now because I can do the things now that make me feel better. A test at university gave the same result: psychology, social/spiritual counseling, teaching, music, writing, poetry, journalism. All of this I’m doing now at the moment. I’m working quite hard for the same amount of money, you could call it a basic income, but I now have the freedom to do this. I meditate from time to time but I don’t force things anymore. Sometimes I feel some kundalini again, but I can handle it and it doesn’t make me psychotic again.
So for me there is a possibility of growing from pathological psychotic behavior and bipolar disorder through spiritual emergency until you become more and more balanced. Very few are able to walk the path and heal because the process is very difficult and you need to study a lot to understand everything that’s happening to you.