>Kelly and The Mercy of God


If it wasn’t for your video “Bipolar or Enlightenment,” my husband might have sided with the establishment and I would be taking Lithium for the rest of my life. I am very grateful that I was able to point and say:

“If this happened to you what would you have acted like?”

If it helps then I’ll share my recent experience. My experience started with a state of depression. I had been in depression about two months and was surprised at how deep it was. I felt my mind was on the verge of breaking so I went surfing for a solution. I found an article called “Depression, Creativity and A New Pair of Shoes.” The author suggested producing moments of “unexpected joy” such as buying a new pair of shoes to cure “writer’s block.” “Unexpected Joy” translated into “God” for me.

This former atheist called on God and He delivered.

On September 13, 2008 I wrote:

“Go to Hell!” I smiled with a grin
I’ve been there already because of my sin
I envied myself to the Pit of Despair
And found all the Joy missing from there.

Lucky for me I didn’t stay long
It wasn’t my fault my belief was all wrong
He gave me a choice; He gave me free will
I accepted His presence or I would be there still.

The second I did the dark became light
He showed me the heavens; What a beautiful sight!
He showed me the place that I couldn’t conceive
“Pure Joy” to experience so that you can believe.

When he brought me back to earthly ground
My heart was lost but now is found!
No words can describe this journey I took
You can rest assured I’ll be reading The Book!

On September 15, 2008 I wrote the following to the author of the article that helped me:

I was very fortunate to find the article here. The Truth in it gave me Light and showed me the Way out!

Before I found this very well-written article, I was so “dead” that no alarm clock could wake me. In my mind I wanted to escape so badly but couldn’t. I felt like I was on the verge of a split. The anxiety scared me into looking for a solution. Had there been any “bad logic” in this article, I would have discounted it and moved on. My mind thanks the author for taking such care in assembling the information. It literally trapped and saved my mind. With great respect and many thanks!

PART 2 from Kelly….

I looked for Joy in all the wrong places
I found Him here on your website pages
I wasn’t expecting to be cured like this
A strong willed, BIG ego atheist.

It wasn’t the “new pair of shoes” that did me in
It was the “Unexpected Joy” that washed away sin!

On October 2, 2008 I was trying to sleep and I could hear bad news on the TV. In my hypnagogia state of mind I announced The World Was Going to End and The Second Coming was coming. My husband thought I was losing it. The next day I wrote:

I quit puffing for the moody dragon that lives inside of me
I fed him what he wanted: “Pure Joy” and set the dragon free
He breathed fire everywhere and wrecked havoc with my mind
I’m so much better when the dragon is locked up and confined.

While he was loose he prophesied the world’s destruction
And gave hope of a Savior; My that’s quite a seduction.

I wonder if the authors of the Bible suffered from this
Joy and Despair; the perpetual fight between the abyss and bliss.

The melancholy is back now that I smoked my two packs
It’s much more comfortable here so maybe I can relax
I won’t be feeding him positive feelings for quite some time
It’s funny that negative feelings can make me feel sublime.

In addition to feeling like a prophet, I felt like I was being tested by God. To prove my loyalty I sent two e-mails to my entire address book that were a bit on the bizarre side. At the time I didn’t care because I was emotionally bullet-proof. I was disassociated from my feelings.

On October 4, 2008 I sent an email out titled, “The sin of the world is not ours to bear. The world is not ours to save” that began:

Dear Friends and Family,
Peace be with you. As a serendipity magnet, I’ve been busy following “bread crumbs”. I assure you that I am not out of my mind. What follows comes from (openness) to the world and (insight) putting the pieces together. The world as we know it will end. The message I have with the greatest certainty is “Get your House in Order”. I found others that share the same message. The bread crumbs I’ve followed appear below. I’m not forcing you to do anything. It is your will. I surrendered mine to the one true God and am merely doing His. His Will be done.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Please don’t email me back or try to get me committed. Use your own senses and awareness. I am just helping to show the Way.

On October 4, 2008 I also wrote:

The story has been told from ancient times
Christ was sacrificed for all our crimes
He’s the dragon slayer that bridges the gap
Between the abyss of this and the bliss of that.

I discovered the world of Carl Jung and learned of ouroboros from this website: http://www.sophiaandthedragon.com/dragon/lord_of_fire.htm

When I realized that Christ was the dragon slayer that bridges the gap between Heaven and Hell, I asked to be slayed. This was the beginning of the traumatic part of my experience. My ego broke down and I was forced to surrender my shameful memories. I would call it Judgement Day for me. For good measure, I also surrendered my gifts of creativity and insight.

So you believe! Then prove your Loyalty!
As I got down on my knees in submission
I took the knife and sliced open my own chest
Diced up my lying heart and offered it up
Layer by Layer. Piece by Piece.

Afterward, I felt raped inside and I couldn’t work. My boss realized I was circling the drain and recommended I use the Company benefits to get help.

I ended up going to Laurel Ridge Mental Health Hospital. The psychiatrist evaluated me to be hypomanic at the time. He and the therapists were watching to make sure I wasn’t going to go manic. I attended Group Therapy for about a month. I refused to take the Lithium but did take Seroquel for sleep problems (I was a 20 Diet Mt Dew/day caffeine addict.)

A few days before discharge, I filled the prescription for Lithium and tried it. I became the rock I used to dream of becoming. I couldn’t feel emotions good or bad. I stopped taking it because I really don’t believe I have Bi-polar. I prefer to call my experience “The Mercy of God.”

The Mercy of God

Have you gotten the call?
Have you picked up the phone?
Not the one on the wall
In your heart all alone?

“It’s a conspiracy!” I said
From the Pit of Despair
“All Joy lines cut dead!”
But I found my soul there.

And He lowered the stairs
So I could climb out
To show that He cares
It was just a “Time-Out”.

My Kundalini is awake
And the world is changing
It is not a mistake
Priorities are re-arranging.

I’ve been freed from myself
It is the Ego that dies
I’ll toss it on the shelf
It was so full of lies.

Now I can smile and see
Paradise below the dark
What was really meant to be
Was here all along. Hark!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s