I really enjoy your videos & it completely verbalizes how I feel today.
I am a female that just turned 30. My metal collapse happened last year and I swear it was a year journey out of “insanity”.
All my live I was a curious child. I loved to read and learn and truly loved being happy. I had a terrible childhood were all of my natural feelings were shamed and suppressed. I was always ridiculed for being an eccentric and talking “fantasy” (I was always curious about the universe, the way things worked & questioned everything).
Now looking back I think I always searching for my personal connection to God. Because growing up in a communist home we were never allowed to talk about spirituality, so I had no where to get this from accept from me. I always felt like something was as wrong with the world as you put it in your last video. Like I was just an observer watching everyone else’s bullshit antics.
Anyway I was always forced to be something I am not. My family stressed marriage and being a “good” girl. I was forever trying to be what ever everyone else wanted without the option to explore myself. When I was 22 I met what would be my future husband and moved in with him in NYC- Manhattan very quickly. I began to live an ultimate fake life that consisted of bullshit social gatherings, attending bridal showers, baby showers and picking out china. My family believed I arrived and were proud of me. Even though I never finished college and was not working. Only because I married into wealth.
Depression started seeping in. I knew something was wrong but would push it aside and just assumed it would get better but it didn’t it only get worse. My life consisted of no real value and my mental health slowly started deteriorating. I started drinking to relieve my symptoms but it only helped temporarily. My husband sent me to the doctor who prescribed me xanax. Again it was temporary but no relief. Then it got worse. I wasn’t getting out of bed at all. I wouldn’t shower I wouldn’t eat. I started wasting away. Thoughts were swallowing me up whole. I never left our small apartment. My husband would come home and find me in a corner shivering and talking in circles. I would scream and cry in mental anguish. I didn’t know what was wrong. So he sent me to a Psychiatrist were I was diagnosed with “bi-polar” and sent home with Clonopin.
OMG things started getting worse, nothing stopped the racing thoughts. I would cry and isolate all the time. I felt like a trapped canary a prisoner in my own apartment. The more I tried to ignore this and suppress it the worst these feelings got. The more I tried to conform to this BS life and keep it together the worse it got.
Then awful violent nightmares started happening where I was told I was growling in my sleep. I went to another psych where it was typical Freudian therapy and Jesus I got worse. At one point I was on Seroquel, Xanax, Clonopin, Depekote, Zyprexa, Wellbutrin & Clonadine.
How I survived I have no idea. My family started getting angry with me and I was told to get my act together and start acting like a “normal” wife before my husband leaves me and I am left with nothing. Then I went from being a hermit to going out all the time drinking to excess doing all sorts of crazy behavior that I had never done in my life, I was so out of control.
Then I was tricked by my family into going to a treatment facility in Florida where they live. I thought I was going to visit my brother in Miami. (Oh and within those 7 years I had 2 suicide attempts) This treatment facility was abusive to the max. It was run like an Orwellian factory. We were forced to admit we were sick and will always be sick. At night I wanted to die how awful this place was and also wondering in awe how it got to this. In this facility I really felt like I was detached from reality. I complied to all the rules because I had to leave, another moment in this place and I was sure I will die.
I moved in with my brother and father. They were seriously upset with me. They just wanted me to “act normal” and go back home. I still felt suicidal and restless. No one understanding me and the little support I received made me fall into that black hole again. This time I was looking for a place I can go to and went to a better facility. But even there I was struggling, struggling with what you pin pointed in this last video, that duality of who I thought I was and what I was feeling. Until I received that phone call from my husband that he is leaving me and can’t take it anymore. And this was the moment.
The pain of this was so unbearable!!! I felt everything collapsing. Everything I thought I knew wasn’t. And then it happened the pain was so unbearable that I surrendered. I completely and solely surrendered to the pain. This was it. I lost everything!! But somehow in losing all of it I found myself. My last month there I functioned like a zombie but not in a bad way (oh and this place does not over medicate) it was like everything just went right through me. I could feel no more pain, anxiety, fear NOTHING.
I moved in with my mother and her family. I was penniless and had nothing but felt sadness but nothing was not as intense. I started reading on spirituality and began a journey exploring myself. Almost a year later I am transformed. I have never had another “crazy” episode. I enrolled back in school and am excelling. I meditate and handle life’s problems at ease now. Trust me I have a lot more “problems” now than I did before but somehow not the mental ones anymore.
I am a calm, composed & happy individual. I feel like I see life so clearly now. I do charity work today & help out as many people I can struggling with mental health issues. I can proudly say I have never had a panic attack, depression, manic episode or any other symptom. And this is no meds either. I don’t drink; I don’t do drugs and am in the process of quitting smoking. I have learned to let go of that fear of what the world wants of me and what is expected of me and can be myself today. And guess what I found out, that I am the biggest dork. I love school, I love teaching, and I love learning. My family has a hard time accepting me today but I live my life not theirs. My soul has been crying for so long and now it is free…..
Thanks for sharing your triumphant journey, Maladaca.
And fyi, I´m a dork too!!!
I think the sooner we learn that we are all secret dorks trying to act like we know what we are doing, the better off we will be.
I pray for a world of dorks like you!!!