I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 18 but luckily was too poor to keep up with pills. 🙂
At 20, a junior in college (math major), I broke down and my mom almost took me to the hospital. She came to my house in the middle of the night to take me to the mental ward. I was going to go but decided against it. The next 3 months precluded to me seeing spirits everywhere, reading the philosophical messages in music (beyond tool), constant energy, not sleeping for five days at a time, eating very little, and writing 40 to 60 page arguments of why god does not exist versus why god does exist.
Everyone became their own god and the focus of the world was the WILL. I realized that there was no right and wrong, only interests and that anything, ANYTHING could be made to be seen as good/bad thing. I felt invincible and read up on LSD and apparently what I was going through was similar to an LSD episode, a very PROLONGED LSD episode!
I felt so happy. But I was also extremely paranoid and believed that the powers that be didn’t want people to know the truth…I actually thought my phone was tapped…that might have been a little crazy. I lost 35 pounds. I began to see the weight as extra baggage that drug me down like emotional baggage.
When I looked at anyone, I saw myself with slightly different physical features and began to see that we had 99% of our needs in common. And there seemed to be a secret language between me and a few others.
Me: Did you see a therapist?
I stopped seeing a therapist because I couldn’t afford one. I was stuck talking to my stupid university counselor. I didn’t tell her about this, because after this experience I stopped going to her. We weren’t a very good fit anyway. I am not anti-psychiatry but I just don’t think I need one, especially if it’s not someone I can trust to understand and not judge me. In place of seeing a therapist I started running and dancing and burning energy, it makes me happy.
Me: Did you relapse?
I didn’t have a relapse. In fact, I started actually holding down jobs after that–something I had trouble with before. My father died six months later so I was very depressed for all of 2007, but I don’t attribute the depression to bi-polar disorder but more to a healthy grieving process.
This episode has seriously changed my perspective on how I should go into the world: no “shoulds”. I find everything to be relative and quarrels resulting from difference of opinion to be trivial. I learned there is no right and wrong only popular opinion and situational solutions. I also came to the conclusion that mathematics is god. That we are all on a spiral and that time is not linear but circular.
Straight lines suggest never going back and a having another chance while spirals and circles are full of hope, growth, and redemption. A growth that comes from revisiting our past. A circle always the final solution and ourselves being radiants and degrees within the circle.
Many people think God causes wars but I insist that humans do. Fighting over beliefs that are exactly the same belief re-worded. Getting lost in the details is really what causes war. Ego is what causes war. The thought of not seeing yourself in another and thinking it as negative causes war. “Jesus, Allah, if you don’t say it like me, I don’t like you”. These semantics kill. While we all share the same needs for survival, respect, and love we can only focus on words or class or race–things that make up such a small percent of what we are.
People miss a chance to learn something from someone they may not respect. Limiting your learning to ideas/people you agree with and respect threatens your survival.
Then there was this thing that was more Nietzschean “will to power” where we are our own gods who govern ourselves and knowing this gives me peace. It empowers me to change my own life and not to wait for something magical to happen. Even as a god, I know I am an ant in the universe and this also brought me solace. Being a small piece minimized my past sufferings. As I begin to identify and humanize my enemies I am able to forgive anyone who has done me harm.
Because I understand, I finally understand that anyone is capable of anything.I haven’t had a relapse. I haven’t been too depressed either. I’ve been pretty stable.
It always surprises me just how much wisdom people pull out of experiences which are supposed to be INSANE. Thank you, Kane, for sharing your wisdom with us all!